candelalumina

when youre kissing someone new
but you know your hearts not through
the last boy
do you say to yourself 'this will do'

you can hide in the cinema
you've got the money to spend
but the movies always end
then its your life again

you can practice all day long
till the notes are perfect
but your hearts all wrong
calloused fingers wont make you strong

i gave back the t-shirt that you'd always wear
i went by your work & just left it there
all the leaves are brown
& it's autumn now

it was a summer fling
don't take it personal or anything
you can wear your heart on your sleeve
but pull your sweater over

no more kisses under shooting stars
no more rides on the handlebars
no more drive-ins
in the back seat of your parents' car

it was a summer fling
& it didn't mean anything
& you can cry your eyes out on the phone
oh yeah

the playlist for my life, fall 2009:

1. skinny love - bon iver
2. silver moons - sunset rubdown
3. phantom limb - the shins
4. the taming of the hands that came back to life - sunset rubdown
5. CFTPA in a yellow shirt - casiotone for the painfully alone
6. us ones in between - sunset rubdown
7. young shields - casiotone for the painfully alone
8. needle in the camel's eye - brian eno
9. gold - brand new
10. satellite of love - lou reed

all about song lyrics lately. possibly because all i do all day is listen to music. when i am not working on being posicore and trusting in the universe. hahaha. yoooou knoooow.

anyway. today's song.


You are a waterfall
Waiting inside a well
You are a wrecking ball
Before the building fell
And every lightning rod
Has got to watch the storm cloud come.

And I’ve heard of pious men
And I’ve heard of dirty fiends
But you don’t often hear
Of us ones in between
And I’ve heard of creatures
Who eat their babies;
And I wonder if they stop
To think about the taste.

I saw the sun go down
Outside of Arkansas;
And I saw the sun come up
Somewhere in Illinois.
And in the darkness
I taught myself to hate.
But where were you, oh where were you?
And where the fuck did the sun go?

And I am a creature.
And I am survivin’.
And I want to be alone
But I want your body.
So when you eat me,
Mother and baby,
Oh baby, mother me,
Before you eat me.

And you should always pass
When you get the inside lane.
Don’t pull your hair out;
I won’t pull my hair out.
For I have never seen the sun
That did not bury his fears in the side of the world.
And the day is done.

You are a waterfall
Waiting inside a well
You are a wrecking ball
Before the building fell
And I will mutter like a lover
Who speaks in tongues, oh he speaks in tongues.
Oh I speak in tongues.

Please don't say we're done
When I'm not finished
I could give you so much
Make you feel, like never before
Welcome, they said welcome to the floor

It's been a while
And you've found someone better
But I've been waiting too long to give this up
The more I see, I understand
But sometimes, I still need you

Sometimes, I still need you

I was struggling to get in
Left waiting outside your door
I was sure
You'd give me more

No need to come to me
When I can make it all the way to you
You made it clear
You weren't near
Near enough to me

Heart skipped a beat
And when I caught it you were out of reach
But I'm sure, I'm sure
You've heard it before

//

I find shelter, in this way
Under cover, hide away
Can you hear, when I say?
I have never felt this way

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on
Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Could I be, was I there?
It felt so crystal in the air
I still want to drown, whenever you leave
Please teach me gently, how to breathe

And I'll cross oceans, like never before
So you can feel the way I feel it too
And I'll mirror images back at you
So you can see the way I feel it too

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on
Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong
Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Well I wrote your name and burned it
To see the color of the flame
And it burned out the whole spectrum
As if you were everything
Mine just burned gold
A normal flame
I am not anything

And all that I remember is the feeling of waking up
When we were kids, you were the sun to which my eyes would not adjust
We were kids - I was a fountain
You could never drink enough

Then came all the boys who swept you up
Played careless with your heart
And every night there was a new girl
Sitting beside me in my car

Something dies when you grow older,
But you do the best you can
I am glad
I am glad
You found a good man

I sure hope - you keep that - part of you - where I'm at.

Yesterday  - I had to - shutdown just - to get through.

Half asleep, half aware, a machine, I don't care.
Half asleep, half prepared, I can't keep - what's not there.

I'm afraid, I'm no fun, I'm nothing, I'm no one.
Give me faith that you won, what the hell has it done.

Just today, just for fun, love something, love someone.

You slept in my bed after you said,
"I need to sort out my head."

So we didn't, we just talked instead
But my blood, it still has to be red
It's still gonna go wherever it be led

Now I can't get you out of my head.

And last night I heard you kiss a little drummer girl that you missed
You don't know nothing about her lips, why would you want to go on loveless?

oh confusion, you follow me everywhere.

in general, i am really happy. i am really happy to be out of toronto. i'm sorry, but it eats my soul. i don't know why. how. and i don't know how to make it different. i am actually terrified of coming back. but then i was checking flights to come home earlier and they were so expensive, and i was like, fuck, what if i am just stuck here til november. i mean, i love it here. it's just... au pairing is not something i want to do for another 3 months once i've put in my first three months. but maybe that will change.

the thing about life is,
you can just always change your mind.

it's also my problem,
that my feelings change,
what i want changes,
and i can't figure out what it is i really, really want.

i just want to feel passionate about something.

i get so wrapped up in things at the beginning and then suddenly fizzle off or detest it or whatever.

things i want to bring back from here though:

patience.
cleanliness.
and the way i feel excited about everything.

even a simple thing like going to the movies is fun and new because it's new people and a new city and new new new times. and also because i spend my week talking to children and parents. being here has re-instilled in me a feeling of capability, of independence, that i lost somewhere along the way. of realizing i can make my own decisions for myself and what other people think doesn't matter. of excitement about activities, of enjoying the true beauty in architecture, weather, &blue blue skies.

i went to clearhead this delicious vegetarian restaurant by myself, navigating there on my map, sat in the courtyard eating delicious olives and bread and spinach quesadillas and drinking white wine and just so... happy, in that moment. to just be enjoying taste, food, drinks, books, etc. i need to find this in toronto. i need to make toronto what i want it to be.

xo.

It's okay to have scars, they will make you who you are
It's okay to have fear, as long as you're not scared of coming here
And in the middle of the night, just call if you wanna talk
'Cause you know that I wanna talk too

It's not bad of you to think 'bout what might go wrong
But you can't blame me for secretly hoping that I'll prove you wrong
It's okay that I pray that you will miss your flight
And have to stay with me another night

It is brutal, it's brutal, why can't you see
It's brutal, it's brutal, where have you been
'Cause we're far apart and my lonely heart
Finds it hard to get through the night
You pulled me out of the dark and now it's light
You pulled me out of the dark and now it's light

When we're out in the market and out on the streets
I've got a pocket full of problems and a pocket full of seeds
Hoping something good might grow out of this mistletoe
And I won't have to erase your memory

I like the way that our arguments stop when we fall asleep
And the way that your body feels when it's wrapped around me
And I'd like it if you made it to mine by Christmas Eve
So you can hold me
And we'll watch Christmas TV

It is brutal, it's brutal, why can't you see
It's brutal, it's brutal, where have you been
'Cause we're far apart and my lonely heart
Finds it hard to get through the night
You pull me out of the dark and now it's light
You pull me out of the dark and now it's light

So come on home, just come on home
Just come on home, just come on home
Just come on home, just come on home
Just come on home, just come on home
Just come on home, just come on home
just come on home.



i only wish i knew someone i was missing so i could sing the last verse with oh so much emotion.
it's interesting to be the one leaving,
it's never been me before.
i feel like i am over the novelty of missing people desperately.

fuck pining.

sometimes i am crazy. albeit, hilarious.

on other notes,
today is beautiful! and i want to skip and hold hands.

brap brap.

i just bought these boots and they are the new love of my life.



on a side note i'm trying to tone down my favouritism of everything. let's see how it goes.

in sum,

hot boots.

i used to really like things.

how can i feel like i feel too much when i also feel like i genuinely can't feel anything about anything.

( five ) experience something geniune

( six ) something new

and then some

Chemicals, don't strangle my pen
Chemicals, don't make me sick again
I'm always so dubious of your intent
Like I can't afford to replace what you've spent

Come on chemicals
Come on chemicals
I'm in a crisis
I need help
Come on mood shift, shift back to good again
Come on mood shift, shift back to good again
Come on, be a friend

Chemicals, don't flatten my mind
Chemicals, don't mess me up this time
Know you bait me way more than you should
And it's just like you to hurt me when I'm feeling good

Come on chemicals
Come on chemicals

okay. cutest. EVER.

EVER EVER EVER EVER.



watch it watch it watch it

why didn't anyone tell me how DAMN HOT katy perry is!!!


i kind of love her a little too much right now. i know i went on and on about how kissed a girl was such a terrible offensive song. and it IS. but it's damn catchy. and i blame katie. and then when hot n cold came out i was all over it. i can't get it out of my head these past few days.

we fight we break up we kiss we make up la lalalalalalala

katy perry katy perry

!!!

1. bread and butter pickles all the way

2. everything rice: rice pasta, rice crackers, rice bread <3

3. miso soup

4. snapea crisps!

5. good karma's carrot cake rice cream. fuck yes.

i wish i had facebook only so i could make my status,

"danyel is billy chenowith on a good day."

hahaha. srsly. my emotions are on crack.