candelalumina

oh confusion, you follow me everywhere.

in general, i am really happy. i am really happy to be out of toronto. i'm sorry, but it eats my soul. i don't know why. how. and i don't know how to make it different. i am actually terrified of coming back. but then i was checking flights to come home earlier and they were so expensive, and i was like, fuck, what if i am just stuck here til november. i mean, i love it here. it's just... au pairing is not something i want to do for another 3 months once i've put in my first three months. but maybe that will change.

the thing about life is,
you can just always change your mind.

it's also my problem,
that my feelings change,
what i want changes,
and i can't figure out what it is i really, really want.

i just want to feel passionate about something.

i get so wrapped up in things at the beginning and then suddenly fizzle off or detest it or whatever.

things i want to bring back from here though:

patience.
cleanliness.
and the way i feel excited about everything.

even a simple thing like going to the movies is fun and new because it's new people and a new city and new new new times. and also because i spend my week talking to children and parents. being here has re-instilled in me a feeling of capability, of independence, that i lost somewhere along the way. of realizing i can make my own decisions for myself and what other people think doesn't matter. of excitement about activities, of enjoying the true beauty in architecture, weather, &blue blue skies.

i went to clearhead this delicious vegetarian restaurant by myself, navigating there on my map, sat in the courtyard eating delicious olives and bread and spinach quesadillas and drinking white wine and just so... happy, in that moment. to just be enjoying taste, food, drinks, books, etc. i need to find this in toronto. i need to make toronto what i want it to be.

xo.

It's okay to have scars, they will make you who you are
It's okay to have fear, as long as you're not scared of coming here
And in the middle of the night, just call if you wanna talk
'Cause you know that I wanna talk too

It's not bad of you to think 'bout what might go wrong
But you can't blame me for secretly hoping that I'll prove you wrong
It's okay that I pray that you will miss your flight
And have to stay with me another night

It is brutal, it's brutal, why can't you see
It's brutal, it's brutal, where have you been
'Cause we're far apart and my lonely heart
Finds it hard to get through the night
You pulled me out of the dark and now it's light
You pulled me out of the dark and now it's light

When we're out in the market and out on the streets
I've got a pocket full of problems and a pocket full of seeds
Hoping something good might grow out of this mistletoe
And I won't have to erase your memory

I like the way that our arguments stop when we fall asleep
And the way that your body feels when it's wrapped around me
And I'd like it if you made it to mine by Christmas Eve
So you can hold me
And we'll watch Christmas TV

It is brutal, it's brutal, why can't you see
It's brutal, it's brutal, where have you been
'Cause we're far apart and my lonely heart
Finds it hard to get through the night
You pull me out of the dark and now it's light
You pull me out of the dark and now it's light

So come on home, just come on home
Just come on home, just come on home
Just come on home, just come on home
Just come on home, just come on home
Just come on home, just come on home
just come on home.



i only wish i knew someone i was missing so i could sing the last verse with oh so much emotion.
it's interesting to be the one leaving,
it's never been me before.
i feel like i am over the novelty of missing people desperately.

fuck pining.

sometimes i am crazy. albeit, hilarious.

on other notes,
today is beautiful! and i want to skip and hold hands.

brap brap.

i just bought these boots and they are the new love of my life.



on a side note i'm trying to tone down my favouritism of everything. let's see how it goes.

in sum,

hot boots.

i used to really like things.

how can i feel like i feel too much when i also feel like i genuinely can't feel anything about anything.

( five ) experience something geniune

( six ) something new

and then some

Chemicals, don't strangle my pen
Chemicals, don't make me sick again
I'm always so dubious of your intent
Like I can't afford to replace what you've spent

Come on chemicals
Come on chemicals
I'm in a crisis
I need help
Come on mood shift, shift back to good again
Come on mood shift, shift back to good again
Come on, be a friend

Chemicals, don't flatten my mind
Chemicals, don't mess me up this time
Know you bait me way more than you should
And it's just like you to hurt me when I'm feeling good

Come on chemicals
Come on chemicals

okay. cutest. EVER.

EVER EVER EVER EVER.



watch it watch it watch it

why didn't anyone tell me how DAMN HOT katy perry is!!!


i kind of love her a little too much right now. i know i went on and on about how kissed a girl was such a terrible offensive song. and it IS. but it's damn catchy. and i blame katie. and then when hot n cold came out i was all over it. i can't get it out of my head these past few days.

we fight we break up we kiss we make up la lalalalalalala

katy perry katy perry

!!!

1. bread and butter pickles all the way

2. everything rice: rice pasta, rice crackers, rice bread <3

3. miso soup

4. snapea crisps!

5. good karma's carrot cake rice cream. fuck yes.

i wish i had facebook only so i could make my status,

"danyel is billy chenowith on a good day."

hahaha. srsly. my emotions are on crack.

*SQUEAL* !!!!!!!!!!!

no those are wishes <3

the scarlet letter isn't black
gotta know who's got your back
because they're right in front of you
because they're telling you the truth

so much present inside my present inside my present so...so much past
inside my present inside my past inside my present
so, so

feeling it from dark to bright
when a wrong becomes a right
when a mountain fills with light
it's a volcano, it's a volcano
it's a volcano, it's a volcano

so much present, inside my present
inside my present
so, so much past inside my present, inside my present inside my present so, so much past inside my present inside my present...
so, so much past

give me a sign.

my life isn't yours anymore,
buster.